Tuesday, August 18, 2015

On My Mind at 1:48am on July 31, 2015

I have a journal. (#thingswritersdo) My introvert-ness (let's pretend that's a word) forces me to want to spill out what I'm thinking onto paper as apposed to another human being. There is just a fear that they will think I've lost my mind. Paper is safe. It won't judge you for what you say. It will sit their all nicely with its parallel lines, asking you to say something. Here's what happens when I give in.

There are many fears that a person can have. I have fears, some practical and some impractical. I think that that the crime shows I watch and the movies I see will insight a little more paranoia than the average human being, but I hope it will keep me safer rather than sorry one day. The darkness is a common fear of adolescents. For this reason, you can walk into any child's room and find just a tiny night light that they swear will keep them safe from the monsters in their closet and under their bed. I no longer sleep with a night light radiating off safety and security. I know better....maybe. Many times, I enjoy the peace that darkness gives to my room. With darkness, millions of distractions are instantly gone. It's just you and your thoughts. You and your imagination.

However, that fear of the darkness never really leaves you, does it. It still creeps up inside of me every once and a while. The fear of the unknown overwhelms me, sometimes. The latitude of this fear varies with the person. I know that. I like to know things. I like to know when and where and how I will do this and that. It's comforting. We don't have that kind of control over our lives, though. Sometimes you need a little unknown to make life interesting. I went on a retreat where I had absolutely no idea what I was going to do in the next minute, for three days straight. I came to realize the luxury of this feeling. So freeing. But, I came back to the real world where I was given more control of my life, and I am back to where I was.

When you are alone in the darkness you start to think. This is the point in time when you see the disadvantages of having a big imagination. Sometimes, my imagination fills those dark rooms with scary images. I fear the uncontrollable. What if there is something there that I can't see...hiding...waiting for me to come by so they can slit my throat with a knife (NCIS), kidnap me (Criminal Minds), or even rape me (Law and Order: SVU).

As human beings, we have this slight burst of hope that if we are forced into a scary situation that we will have the will to fight back; that we will have the will to punch our attacker in the face; that we will be able to fight back just a little. But will we really? Or will we just freeze as every hopeless, weakling victim does. Is there even a way to prepare for a situation like that?

We fear the unknown, and at the same time we just hope for the best. It just seems a little like twisted logic. I will sometimes think of my future and wonder if I will end up in law enforcement because of all the crime shows I'm addicted to. I may see myself as a bad ass crime fighter like the people on TV, but would I really be able to react that well to a situation. I hope so. I know that I love to write, but I also know that I like to help people. (this is where the topic completely changes....)

Throughout most of my life, I have felt safe. I never truly feared that I would get my throat slit as I walked down the street, and I want people to feel the same way.

There are so many things I love to do, and I wonder how I can combine them into a career. Is it possible to combine three completely different things into one career? I know you're suppose to love your job once you really start working, but what if I don't? There goes another one of my fears of the unknown. It is a god damn scary world out their for a teenage girl, with your future just within reaching distance. How do you just let it be?

These are just some of my fears. We all have fears, and we all have a heck of a time dealing with them. Just live and let be, I guess.

Live every day like Tony Stark,

Cover photo credit: pinterest